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"I am tired and hungry and totally useless..."

I fail at life.

Thus I think I am permanently moving over to my formerly secret but now open and leotardedly-randomly updated blog over at blogger. Wasted Pages.

Theres a reason I gave it that name.

I'm gonna do less diary style entries and more rnats and raves and fiction. You know, when I remember to.

I enabled pic posting from my cell so that should get awesome especially when I get my new phone. Which should happen in May. When its released. :D !

Love you darlings and don't forget to write (dont be like me!). I'm on twitter if you get lonely.

You Know Its Real

Oh jesus, its 2010 isn't it?

I'll update soon, promise. The internet's spotty right now and wont be fixed til later in the week but you're all loved and not forgotten. Besides, things have been pretty boring lately, mostly work work work and visiting SHU on weekends. Me and the BF are doin well, and possibly going to Disneyworld. DISNEYYYYYY WORLLLLLDDD. This summer that is. With a bunch of people. Hopefully. And HOPEFULLY I'll get into RU. And be in school this fall. *crosses fingers* Hopefully I'll get my tattoo this summer as well. And hopefully I'll lose the weight I've gained and stop being a lazy ass. Hopefully.


Fashion Fight Pause

Need a funny fashion fix?

Get Your Fashion

It's a hilarious and sexystylish look at fashion starring my best friend David.

Trust me, you'll giggle. Quite a bit.

In other news, I have a horrible cold and my life sucks.

My baby nephew is in the hospital with esophageal varices and an ulcer. :(

I don't work this week so hopefully I'll recover by this weekend so I can do something fun with my free time.

I am utterly broke.

I am currently reading Drink Play F@#k which is pretty funny and a decent sickbed read.

You're Gonna Get All That You Want

Too tired for a detailed update so I'm giving you a list-blog of shit that's happened:


Long list you shouldn"t read if you"re feeling judgemental...Collapse )

17. I've gotta say though, I'll never complain about my life being boring ever again.


PS: If bitches can't handle my lack of chastity and prudence, and all those other lovely virtues, read some other blog. Please.

In other news, I never finished House of Leaves because it just wouldn't end. I'll finish it another time, I got about 400 pages in. I just finished a different book, The Anthologist which was a lovely book for anyone who likes poetry. I felt content after reading it. A perfect recovery book and very interesting. I laughed out loud at several parts as well. Best of all, it inspired me to write more. Wrote a new song and lots of poems. :) 

Got a couple shows I wanna see. And I ordered the new Say Anything CD, Say Anything. It's amazing as fuck. Got the bf Muse's latest. And something for the bffl which I'll let you know about later. After he gets it ;)

I Said, "Tell Me, What's To Come?"

So I meet Senior Excellente (the guy I mentioned a couple posts ago) on Sunday, officially. We'll be meeting in New York and it's very exciting. I talked to him on the phone for an hour today, was easier than I would have thought, the conversation wasn't too awkward.

It's cute, he's one of those (ahem) gay-straight guys, a straight guy who because of the shit he's into is accused of homosexuality. I don't care, I think it'll be interesting to hang out with a guy who's straight but not typical. Then, my friend Matt isn't too typical but that's mostly because he likes female vocalists and Sailor Moon.

The plan is to see Capitalism: A Love Story and get food. And go to a store under the company I work for so we can use my discount, haha.

I finished (and loved) The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and just started House of Leaves.


In not crappy news: I'm not sick!


In awkward news: I'm like two weeks late on my period. Good thing I haven't had sex in forever! Or done anything really sexual since my last period! So my body is just weird! Or there's some immaculate conception shit going on (and for the record, I would totally abort the next baby Jesus, sorry God, PICK SOMEONE ELSE.)

So I definitely went to two shows this week, both of which I won tickets for.

And both of which were FUCKING AMAZINGGG.

First off, Fever Ray = kickass.

Also, me and Wendy managed to catch ASA RANSOM an awesomesauce band whose joie de vivre reminds me of Gogol Bordello. But they have their own sound and it is great. You can download their EP for FREE from their website.

I officially am crushing on the percussionist while Wendy has a space in her heart for the singer. They're all adorable and fuckable in my opinion though.

Second was Say Anything. Wow. I cried with joy at my luck in winning tix to see my FAVORITE BAND.

I was lucky enough to accidentally walk in too early and have a short but sweet conversation with Parker Case.

I must have looked like a silly ass at one point but he was very nice to me.

Also, BEFORE the show, as we were eating pizza, Max Bemis walked by and you should have seen the looks on our faces. When we realized it really WAS him (after walking in too early and then being (politely) kicked out) we couldn't stop laughing.

Basically, I had the time of my life.
Dreams do come true, kids.

In crappy news: I'm sick. Blegh.

We Do Not Have To Be A Work Of Fiction

Just a quick note because I have to run off to work soon, and then after that the Grizzly has invited me to play Rock Band. I think he finally got it in to his head that I only want to be friends with him. Yay! He's way for fun than his pain in the ass sister.

Hahahaha if I ever see that bitch again it'll be TOO SOON.

(Oh yeah I am single now, officially. Meh.)

Remember that Empire Records reference I made last post/when I emailed that guy?

We've been talking and I was right, he is brilliant. I have a new book - reading buddy. Yay! New friends!

Gonna run off now.

(Oh and don't read Undiscovered Gyrl expecting a fun, light-hearted read. Worst mistake of my life.)

Say No More, Mon Amour

Hilariously enough, I just used that as the subject line in a message I sent to someone on the dating site I heart.

This is going to be short because I'm tired as fuck. I am very sorry that I haven't posted in so long.

I got a job! I work at a bookstore at the local mall. It's very busy and fun. Also takes up most of my time as I am working about 4 days a week in 8 hour shifts.

In other news, I am breaking up with my boyfriend soon! <sarcasm> WOO! :D </sarcasm>

I need freedom.

It's sad because I love him still, and it will be hard getting over him. And I do hope we can be friends even though I think it might be too painful for him realistically.

I really don't feel like getting into it right now as its hard to think about. And i know, you're thinking "Well, if it hurts so much why are you doing it?" Because I've been horribly deceptive to him and I can't take it anymore. I want to see other people and live the life I want and my dreams just aren't compatible with his. And he's too stubborn to change. I've compromised all I can. I gave up drugs and cigarettes for him before I got the chance to really do either (though I suppose that's healthiest for me). He actually wanted me to not go to parties while I was in a different college! The fact that he would even suggest such a thing upsets me.

And he only recently said he would "try to deal with it" if I got and physical modifications like tats or piercings. For example, he would "resist yanking it out" if I got a third ear piercing (which I am getting). And I'm "allowed" to get more tattoos and he'll try not to hate them.

Fuck. That.

I gave up so much of myself to be with this guy and he just doesn't get it. I started staying in, I resisted talking to guys...I dont know maybe these things may seem minor to some people but these were all HUGE changes in my behavior.

The worst thing is, when I'm with him i go into this sort of cocoon and curl up inside him because it feels safe. And while it feels safe its not healthy because I was neglecting all of my other interests, passions, and friends. He wouldn't even watch a beautiful French movie with me even though I sat through HOURS of anime I struggled to feel interested in. He wanted to make my choices for me, for me to be his "pet". I don't mind the submissive role in bed, hell I lovee it! But I can't do that with life. I can't set aside my hopes and dreams for someone else. I can't spend my life in servitude to anyone or anything but my own heart.

God, I forgot how great it felt to be so comfortably ME. To be strong, wild, fun, ambitious, crazy in all the right ways.

Again: Fuck. Him.

I tried to gently and sometimes roughly remind him that we should BOTH make sacrifices, not just me.

And it all failed.
Maybe he'll learn something from this.
Maybe he'll find a "pet" in some other girl.
Maybe I'll find someone who wants what I want.

And here's the big secret: I only realized all this after talking to Ry, my ex-whatever, and I wish I'd saved what he said to me that was so beautiful and so unabashedly TRUE, that I felt myself fall a little bit in love with him.

Just a little bit.

God I missed being such a dirty, uninhibited, magnificent being.

I am filthy and in dire need of a shower. I hope I wake up early enough to do it tomorrow lol.

Don't Be Afraid To Get In The Way Again

I have decided that I want to transfer schools.

I'm going to see if I can get into Dave's college (RCNJ); either that or MU...or KU I suppose. I like RCNJ the best though, and Im aiming for there.

All are state universities so they're much more affordable. I calculated the financial aid I should get and it should cover all my tuition with only grants and loans.
The pain in the ass part will be applications and transcripts, etc. *sigh* And on top of all this I'm gonna lose the laptop the school gave me. Thus reducing me to walking to the library which is almost a mile away. Its okay though, I could use the exercise.

However I am determined to make this a turning point in my life. I will make this into a positive change.

My mom and aunt don't seem to be big fans of my idea. In the end it is all up to me though. I know what i have to do, I just have to getr down and do it.

And I will. :D

Can You Teach Me How To Feel Real?

I'm lying in my boyfriend's bed with tears in my eyes that I just can't seem to cry.

It looks like I may not be able to go back to school until NEXT September. A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. Unless I hit the fucking mega millions jackpot I am completely FUCKED. I am PISSED but mostly sad.

I hate myself for gettig myself into this situation.

But lets put this this way: The school expects me to find 16000 bucks despite KNOWING I'm fucking POOR.

I just wanna curl up and sleep.

I think 'lld o that now.



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April 2010


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